Kale and the Soccer Ball

Kale is so funny! So, he brought a really wet, muddy soccer ball in from the yard. I told him to throw it back outside. He threw it in the kitchen. I told him to pick it up and throw it OUT SIDE. He kicked it further into the kitchen.
I put him in time out.
Two minutes later he was free again, and he ran outside and I kind of forgot about it for a moment. Then I spied the ball on the chair in the living room. I picked it up and went to the back door and called for Kale to come to me.
He was uncertain about what to do. He saw me with the ball, and since he had just gotten into trouble over the ball, and I was looking pretty serious, he knew it meant SOMETHING, most likely something bad, but he wasn’t sure what. He was loath to come to me, but even more loath to disobey me.
Our deck has 2 levels. The bottom level isn’t very far above the ground, and comes about to the top of the twin’s legs.
So Kale made it as far as that deck, then leaned over from the hips down, which caused his upper body to splat on the deck.
“Fall down,” he said.
“Kale! Come here!”
With that he brought his arms up from his sides, and spread them out on the deck so they were all splatted too, along with his upper torso.
“Fall down.”
Come here!”
He slowly brought one knee up on the deck, then the other, crawled a couple of feet, and splatted all out, on the deck again.
“Fall down,” he said.
Kale!
It took forever, about 4 days, but he always kept moving toward me, inches at a time, so he was just short of actual disobedience, but he finally made it to me, falling down the whole way, and then stood in front of me, head down  in abject sorrow, while I was trying like hell to keep a serious, stern face.
I had backed into the house a bit so I could know my instructions would be clearly understood. I handed him the ball and said, “Throw this outside!”
He responded instantly! He spun around, ran to the door, and threw it outside immediately! He spun back around to look at me, to see if I was still all fierce looking.  I wasn’t. I was grinning from ear to ear and said, “Good job! Go play!”

I was rewarded with That Grin.

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Anatomy of a Temper Tantrum

1) Get upset because little sister is riding on the horse thingy that you abandoned when you went to play on the slide on the other side of the park.
2) Move closer to the horse and make your displeasure known with Angry Arms.

3) When no one is paying attention and little sister is STILL riding on YOUR horse, jump up and down in rage.

4) When that doesn’t work, turn your back on the cruel, cruel world for at least 5 minutes and convince yourself that everyone is looking at you and feeling sorry for you, even though they aren’t.
5) Get over it and carry on.   

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Tic n Click

My husband is SUCH a brat! We were watching a movie. He had his glasses in his hands and he absentmindedly started clicking the ear pieces up and down. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click…
“STOP THAT!!!” I yelled!
Of course, that made him do it even more, with a lot of goofy facial contortions thrown in, so I started saying, “Tic. Tic. Tic. Tic. Tic. Tic.” when I was suddenly confronted with the spray bottle of water we keep on hand for the cat.
I closed my mouth. He said, “Say tic one more time….Go ahead! Say it!”
I clamped my mouth tight and shook my head.
“Go ahead! Say it!”
I just kept shaking my head.

Anyway, we finally got back to the movie.

…………..45 minutes later, during a commercial, he says, “What is one of those little bugs that crawl on you and bite you and give you diseases?
“Tick.” I said…….
.Sprayed

The Bat from Hell

Oh, I had forgotten this story, until Chris reminded me!

When we lived on Soward we had a long hallway. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway. One day I was vacuuming along that hallway, not thinking of anything in particular, and certainly not thinking of bats from hell, when suddenly……………. A BAT FROM HELL CAME FLYING AT ME, RIGHT AT CHEST LEVEL!!! It was going about 90 miles an hour!! It was black and had a whole lot of sharp claws, ready to rip my eyes out!!! I could swear that the claws were dripping with blood!! Just before it got to me it suddenly it dove down and went roaring into my vacuum cleaner!!! I screamed and jumped away from the vacuum. I just stood there trembling, eyes wide open in horror, staring at my now possessed vacuum cleaner, wishing I was Catholic so I could bring a priest out to pour 5 gallons of holy water into my vacuum, drowning the evil thing as well as causing it to burst into flames! Fine with me.

But, I’m not Catholic so all I did was stare in terror. Finally, with a trembling hand, I reached out and turned the vacuum off and jumped back. I knew it was risky. With the beaters no longer running, it could crawl out.

Nothing happened.

Then, brave woman that I am, (I was just SHAKING with bravery!) I reached out and pushed the vacuum over on its side, and jumped away again. I was scared shitless. I really was. I waited and waited for the horrible thing to come crawling out….

Nothing happened.

Finally I screwed up the courage to get down on my knees and peer into the vacuum. I COULD SEE THE BAT!!! I screamed and jumped up and jumped away again. I swear if the kids had been in the house I would have screamed at them to “GET OUT!!”

But, nothing happened.

So I crept closer and reached out and…TOUCHED IT and yanked my hand back! Then I realized that It felt like…plastic.

So I started carefully pulling it out, and quickly realized it was one of those flexible hair clippy things that has a lot of teeth so you can clasp it in a circle around a bun or whatever. As I pulled on it, I realized I was also drawing out a whole lot of clear fishing line with it.

Well, one end of the fishing line was tied directly in the middle of the thing, Which was unclasped and which had been on the bathroom floor, and the rest of the fishing line, which I couldn’t see, of course, was strung along the hallway about 15 feet. When my vacuum sucked that end of the line in, it, of course, yanked the “bat” into the air. It also had the added bonus of causing it to flex giving the appearance of wings flapping!

I AM a rational person. I am. But it happened so fast, less than two seconds, and the illusion was so perfect I just lost it. And it was indeed going about 90 mph (or however fast the beaters spin. 90 mph sounds good.)

Chris likes to take credit for it, but he’s an honest guy and he says he doesn’t recall setting it all up. I guess it was a perfect set of coincidences. I almost died, though. It was all bad

.bat 2 Hair clip

The Walk

When I was raising my kids in the 80’s and 90’s, I refused to have cable, internet, or video games in the house. They spent a LOT of time outside.

When my daughter, Corrie, was about 13 or so, she could feel her childhood slipping away. One day she asked me to take a walk with her….and we spent the whole afternoon walking through the pages of her childhood.

She took me down an alley, then stopped at a privacy fence and said, “Look through that knot hole. The guy has a Japanese garden in his back yard! We watched him build it! He adds new stuff every so often. Isn’t it cool?!” It was VERY cool.

South Western College campus was their play ground. She showed me a funky tree on campus that had limbs that grew almost horizontally to the ground. She said kids would collect there and sit on the limbs and make plans for when they grew up.

It wasn’t just the campus…they knew the buildings inside and out too. She took me to the new science building they had put up a couple of years before. She showed me where Alvin the Alligator’s living place was. She described where he lived in the old building and how much nicer his new digs were and how much happier he was….until one day he wasn’t there any more. He had died. She took me on a tour of the whole building. Really NEAT stuff in there! Then we snuck out a back door before we got chased away!

She took me to so many, many secret places around town and told me the stories and memories that were tied to each one. I could sense that she didn’t want it all to end, didn’t want to close that book, but she couldn’t stop it. It was a tide relentlessly sneaking up to claim her childhood, and she could sense it coming. It brings tears to my eyes to this day. It was one of the most precious moments I’ve ever spent with one of my kids.

And then my baby started slipping away after that, stolen by the tide and boys and bad attitudes. I turned around twice, and she was having children of her own. But I’ll never, ever forget that walk that day.

.Japanese gardenThank you Corrie, my love

Jaden, the Clown, and the Panther

Well, Jaden has a circus going on. We have this kid’s piano that plays beats and back ground music and lots of annoying things, and the batteries will NEVER die.
So suddenly I hear circus music coming from the stupid thing (which, after all these years, I didn’t even know it had) and the next thing I know…we have a wild panther, Jaden is the Lion Tamer of the panther AND he is the ring master, and a clown showed up out of nowhere, and all this circus music is going on. He told me I had to make some popcorn and he’s trying to charge me admission.

You have no idea how hard it is to make a clown face, with food coloring, on a 9 month old clown who is doing acrobats as I’m trying to paint. And I’m supposed to PAY for all this?

Update: Well, we decided to settle on English muffins rather than popcorn for the circus because the clown could choke on popcorn. See.

Update:  The clown has spread red food coloring all over her face and she looks like a Zombie.  Who’s dumb idea was that, anyway?

Update:  Jaden played Circus most of the morning. He came to me once, holding an empty Coke box and said, in his best, deep ring leader voice, “Pull the striiiing and something will happen!”
So I pulled the striiing and something happened. Well, what happened was the string was tied to something and that was my prize. I think it was his lion taming kit.

I also got to choose random prizes out of a box full of prizes. I won a bunch of stuff that Zoey was playing with earlier. Then I pulled a nickle out of the prize box. I was so excited. But then he said I couldn’t keep it. I had to put it back in the box. He wouldn’t let me keep ANY of the money I won. I could only keep just bibs and balls and lion taming kits and a book about a duck.

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Baby Possums Gone Wild

WTH??? Woke up this morning to Rick fumbling with the screen on the window that’s behind the bed. He said, “How do you unlatch the screen?”
I told him, then said “Why?”
“Because there’s a baby possum on the window sill.”
I sat up, peered through blurry, babysitter-tired eyes, and sure enough. Baby possum less than a foot behind my head.
“Cute little guy,” I said, then laid back down.
Rick said something like, “Cute little guy my ass,” and got the screen open wide enough to scootch him out into the bush below our window, and I went back to sleep.

OK, WHERE the hell did it come from, and HOW the hell did it get up there? Did I have baby possums walking on me during the night?

This is a true story, guys. Cross my heart. I remember thinking I needed to get my camera, but it was about 6 a.m. Too early for Camera.