My husband used to have a tamed black bird named Chirp. He tells a story of how Chirp got out during a thunderstorm and Rick was driving around the neighborhood in his car, in the pouring rain, bellowing, “CHIRP!! CHIRP!! CHIRP!!” out the open window.




In Which Brandy Calls Bologna!

My poor grand daughter! Brande is 10. She was here after school one day last week when she was unlucky enough to find herself on the back deck, alone, with Gramma and Uncle Chris. Chris and I were talking about the plants and Brande wanted to know what was growing in this one small pot.
Uncle Chris said, “Birds.”
She said, “What?”
Chris said, “Yeah, Gramma and Jaden planted bird seed there so they’re growing birds.”
Brande says, “Birds don’t come from plants!”
I said, “Well, think about it. You plant flower seeds you get…flowers.”
Chris said, “Yeah, and when you plant tomato seeds you get……..tomatoes. So if you plant bird seed you get…..________?”
Brande yells, “WELL YA DON’T GET BIRDS!!!!!!”
So we’re grinning and Chris said, “Have you heard of olive oil?”
Brande nodded at him, suspiciously.
Chris says, “You get it from squishing olives.”
I said, “Yeah, and you get peanut oil from squishing peanuts.”
Chris said, “So, Brande, you ever wonder where baby oil comes from?”
I had tears in my eyes, and I was so proud of her for loudly, and clearly, calling “BOLOGNA!” when she heard it!Image

The Attack of the Attack Kids


Little kids (< age 3) are just so damn mean I don’t know why we even try to discipline it out of them.
Yesterday we had 7 of the 9 grandkids all together in one place. They ranged from 10 years old to 7 months. It was noisy. It was busy. It was awesome. Rick said that when no one was looking Kale, age 16 months, walked by his 7 month old cousin, Zoey, who was sitting on the floor, minding her own business, and Kale just shoved her over as he walked by. She did a face plant on the rug and started crying.
Kale turned to look at her, astonished. He and his twin sister do stuff like that to each other all the time, have since they could reach each other, and they don’t cry. Savannah may shriek in rage, but she doesn’t cry. He found it so interesting that he did it 3 more times. It worked each time.
Then, a while later, 2 year old Adrionna slammed a door so it hit Zoey on the head. Adrionna didn’t mind at all. She found it interesting, as a matter of fact. Until Dad hollered at her.
Poor Zoe Zoe. Being the youngest in a passel of attack kids is hell.


May 13th, 2014:

The aluminum flex hose came off of the dryer vent.  I mentioned it a few times to my husband over the next several months, but just a few times (less than 3) so I wouldn’t be accused of nagging.
Today I decided to get my happy self in the utility room and Fix It Myself!  And Lo…the aluminum sleeve had been slipped back on the the vent!  Must have happened sometime between February 27th of 2011 and and May 12th of 2014.  Whatever, it was a miracle.  However, he didn’t secure it with anything so it was just a matter of time before it slipped back off.

Enter Magic Mom.  My husband would tell you it only takes a few seconds to fix a dryer vent.  It took me two and a half hours.

First, of course, I had to clear a path. As I moved stuff around to get to the vent I dragged my shop vac along as my side kick. Move something, vacuum. Move something, vacuum.  Shop vacced all the dog food and dirt and lint off the floor. Then I crawled around the baseboards vacuuming. I especially vacuumed around the vent, where the lint was two inches thick, and I vacuumed the vent too.
Then, lint being what it is, I started from the ground up and vacuumed the walls, the ceiling, and continued around the room, vacuuming everything in sight.  I vacuumed the the 5′ metal tool box, the 6′ metal cabinet, the washer, the dryer and the bowling balls, the pressure washer, the sewing machine, the cooler, the large bag of dog food and don’t forget the window sill. I vacuumed everything I could reach. The dog wandered in. She got vacuumed. The dog ran out. Then I mopped the floors on my hands and knees.
Now that everything was shiny and clean,  I was ready to fix the vent. I used duct tape, of course, to secure it.

ImageMy husband was right. It does take only a few seconds to fix the dryer vent.


In Which Chris Thinks the Neighbor Lady is Trying to Kill Him.

When Chris was about 4 he was invited to eat dinner at a friend’s house.  At one point the mom called me and said Chris didn’t want to eat his dinner.  She said, “He almost acts like he’s afraid of it!”
I’m thinking “Whaaa?”  My son was not a picky eater.  And afraid  of it?  So I asked what they were having.  She said, “Fish sticks.”  I continued to be befuddled.  He eats fish sticks just fine.  So I asked to talk to him.  I asked him what was up.
He said, “Well, she asked me if I wanted retarded sauce and I didn’t know if I should eat that.”
I laughed and assured him it was OK to eat tarter sauce!  He chirruped “OK!”
I guess if I was only 4 and someone tried to give me retarded sauce I’d want to talk to my mom too!  One of the few times he ever showed any discretion, and it was over tarter sauce.

Chris and the Floaty.

Once upon a time I had taken the kids swimming somewhere.  Christopher was about 6.  We had all kinds of inflatable stuff in the van. Chris was up front. At one point he grabbed a deflated “bed” (what the kids called the plastic, inflatable pool rafts) and started blowing it up.
I said, “Don’t blow that up in the car!!!”
He looked at me to acknowledge that he’d heard me….but then, put his lips back to the blow-up hole!
I quickly stopped the car in disbelief and said, “Chris!!  I told you not to blow that up!”  I was in shock that he’d even consider disobeying me!
He looked at me indignantly and said, “I was sucking the air back out!”
“…..Oh.  Well…..  Good thinking.  Carry on.”